


Square One

by xixisbestboi



Category: 19天 - Old先 | 19 Days - Old Xian
Genre: Codependency, Cohabitation, M/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:01:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26921812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xixisbestboi/pseuds/xixisbestboi
Summary: “This is not my home”Those words continued to flood my head ever since Zhan Zheng Xi opened the door of a two-story house."This is not Guanshan and I's home. This is not my home"
Relationships: Jian Yi/Mo Guanshan (19 Days), Jian Yi/Zhan Zhengxi (19 Days)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Square One

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first time to post here so please bear with me hehe : >

“This is not my home”

Those words continued to flood my head ever since Zhan Zheng Xi opened the door of a two-story house. He guided me and introduced me to “my new habitat". The dream house we've planned from when we were still playing around, planning our unknown future even when one of us was still uncertain with his feelings. Now it felt like a birdcage, a place full of hollow promises saying he would fix everything but nonetheless, it's a place where we can start over again, and yet, all I could feel is the lump inside my throat. It’s choking me, suffocating me as my mind drowned from the thoughts of Guan Shan. 

Five years with him completely changed me. He brought out the best in me, the responsible side of me. Before, I would whine or eat fast-food to cease the throbbing pain from my stomach. Now, I could cook. Thanks to him.

Looking around, the black piano caught my eyes. It was the same as the piano Xi and I saw from the music shop we visited with He Tian and Mo. We added it to the contents of our plan, but I never thought that he would really add this to his new house.

“Can I play it?” I may not look directly at his eyes but I could sense that he was surprised. I scratched my nape, staring at the instrument, ignoring his questioning gaze. “I l-learned it from Guan Shan.”

Before he could answer, I sat on the chair in front of the instrument. Letting out a sigh while trying my best not to cry a tear before I let my fingers gently press the keys. He maybe was at my side, watching me, but I knew he was confused about why I chose to play a sad piece. Not long enough, I began to sing. My head was spinning while I let out the words in a rush of memories flashing back.

𝑹𝒆𝒎𝒆𝒎𝒃𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒊𝒎𝒆 𝑰 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒍𝒂𝒖𝒈𝒉  
𝑰 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒈𝒊𝒗𝒆 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒔𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒈𝒂𝒊𝒏  
𝑴𝒊𝒔𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒏 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒉 𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆  
𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒕𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒂𝒍𝒍 𝑰 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒏𝒐𝒘

I remembered the day we both agreed to cohabit in terms of sharing our little apartment’s expenses and we would never contact anyone from our hometown. It was a win-win situation for us. Mo’s planning to open up a small restaurant and all I want is to escape this little town. Away from the guy who has hurt me big time. We bought a rent-to-own space for Mo’s restaurant from the money Brother Qui delivers from time to time. 

𝑨𝒎 𝑰 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒊𝒙𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒌 𝒊𝒕?  
𝑨𝒎 𝑰 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒈𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏, 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒔𝒐 𝒘𝒆 𝒄𝒂𝒏 𝒅𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒏?  
𝑳𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒘𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒘𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅, 𝒏𝒐  
𝑾𝒆'𝒓𝒆 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒘𝒆 𝒅𝒐𝒏'𝒕 𝒋𝒖𝒔𝒕 𝒉𝒊𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒈𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅

We were happy and far away from the people who hurt us. By that, it means that he’s away from the raven-haired punk who left him without a word and I’m miles away from the guy who broke my trust. We were peaceful as we were just by ourselves. We got to learn each other on a deeper level and we got to bond with each other, spending our warm days and cold nights with only the two of us side by side.

𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒑𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆  
𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒑𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓  
𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌,  
𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕  
𝑺𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖  
𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐

Out of all of the new things I learned from Red Head, learning to appreciate him romantically was the easiest one. What would you expect? We were two broken twigs trying our best to fix our parts that turned into dust. It wasn’t my fault when I chose to stay by his side, cuddled with the upset him until he fell asleep from crying.

𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒉𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒚𝒔𝒆𝒍𝒇  
𝒕𝒐 𝒌𝒆𝒆𝒑 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒇𝒓𝒐𝒎 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈  
𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒘𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈  
𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓 𝒘𝒆'𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒂𝒔𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒆𝒂𝒔𝒐𝒏  
𝑾𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒘𝒆 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅'𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒔 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒌  
𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝑰 𝒌𝒏𝒐𝒘 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆.

It wasn’t our fault when we chose to hold hands under the bright sky, together with knocking down every problem that we have every day. It wasn’t my fault when I gave in a couple of times to the burning feeling inside me, inside my body. Living with him made me realize that I have someone to protect.

“It’s okay, Guan Shan. You can depend on me as much as you need to. Use me at your disposal. I would do my best to make you happy. I promise that to you” I said while wiping his tears. I hugged him, assuring he has me at his side.

𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆  
𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆  
𝑰 𝒏𝒆𝒆𝒅 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆

𝙝𝙚 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙨 𝙢𝙤𝙧𝙚.

𝑨𝒇𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰'𝒍𝒍 𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒅  
𝑰 𝒘𝒊𝒔𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒘𝒂𝒔 𝒂 𝒑𝒓𝒊𝒐𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒚  
𝑻𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒘𝒂𝒍𝒌𝒆𝒅 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒐𝒏 𝒎𝒆  
𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒔𝒕𝒓𝒂𝒊𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒐𝒌 𝒐𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒇𝒂𝒄𝒆  
𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝒔𝒂𝒊𝒅 𝒚𝒐𝒖'𝒗𝒆 𝒉𝒂𝒅 𝒆𝒏𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉

But I knew there’s something wrong the moment Guan Shan arrived on that day. That day, he’s more serious than he always does. I tried to shake away my anxious thoughts and nervousness and stopped what I’m doing in our kitchen. I walked with wide arms and still wearing my “Big boi” apron towards our living door where Guan Shan is.

𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌 𝒊𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒕𝒓𝒚 𝒕𝒐 𝒇𝒊𝒙 𝒊𝒕  
𝑩𝒖𝒕 𝒏𝒆𝒗𝒆𝒓 𝒉𝒆𝒍𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝑰 𝒔𝒕𝒂𝒓𝒕 𝒕𝒐 𝒅𝒓𝒐𝒘𝒏  
𝑳𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆, 𝒘𝒆 𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒈𝒉𝒕 𝒘𝒆 𝒇𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅  
𝑰𝒔 𝒊𝒕 𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒕𝒉 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒏 𝒊𝒇 𝑰 𝒔𝒉𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 𝒔𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒂𝒓𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒅?

I learned to make our bodies close, aiming for a warm hug gift for Mo for his efforts today. But before I could wrap my arms to him, he took a step back. Looking on his right and avoiding my gaze.

“Oh, okay. I guess…no warm hugs today, huh?” I awkwardly uttered while watching him biting his lower lip. The silence between us made it more uneasy. Did something happen to the restaurant today? Or maybe…He Tian found him? No. I made sure He Tian wouldn’t bother us again.

𝑨𝒏𝒅 𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒑𝒖𝒍𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒄𝒍𝒐𝒔𝒆,  
𝒃𝒖𝒕 𝒑𝒖𝒔𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒎𝒆 𝒇𝒖𝒓𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒓  
𝑰'𝒗𝒆 𝒃𝒆𝒆𝒏 𝒉𝒐𝒍𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒕 𝒃𝒂𝒄𝒌,  
𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝑰 𝒔𝒆𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒊𝒇𝒇𝒆𝒓𝒆𝒏𝒕  
𝑺𝒊𝒄𝒌 𝒐𝒇 𝒎𝒆 𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒚𝒐𝒖  
𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒎𝒆 𝒍𝒊𝒌𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒔𝒂𝒚 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒅𝒐, 𝒐𝒉

Shaking off my latter thought, I guide him to our small kitchen. “Oh, right. I cooked your favorite food!” My brows moved up and down while plastering a playful smile. “Let’s eat, shall we?”

I arranged our small table like I always did. Taking worried glances to him as he walks, approaching his usual spot. 

“I knew there’s something you’re hiding to me.” It was weak sounding but louder than a whisper. Nevertheless, enough for my hands to shake. “I knew you’re hiding something. Don’t hide him from me.”

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐡𝐮𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐲𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟  
𝐭𝐨 𝐤𝐞𝐞𝐩 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠  
𝐈'𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐨𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠  
𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐞'𝐥𝐥 𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧  
𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐰𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝'𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐝𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐤  
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐈 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐈 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞

"I saw him yesterday."

"..."

"He told me he missed me. He told me it wasn't his fault when he left me. He said he still loves me!"

"..."

"I-I realized that I still love him, Yi. I s-still do"

I tried my best not to crack my voice. "Am I not enough, Mo?"

"what we had was a dream and we have to go back now. My reality is him and yours is Zhan Zheng Xi. No more running and hiding, Jian Yi."

"But I don't want to." 

Five words. 

Five words that I couldn't say out loud. Instead, all I heard was a click from our apartment's door and a feeling of everything's lost. I thought that living with him is a permanent change for me and for my future plans. But here we go again, back to square one.

Because he needs more. 𝑯𝒆 𝒅𝒆𝒔𝒆𝒓𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆.


End file.
